All of the thoughts and feelings I have bottled up inside, I don’t know how to deal. Whether to cry or just say nothing at all… I write it down, and I feel like I am getting something out, someone understands, and I turn to see who it is, and I realize it’s me. – July 7, 1999.
These were the words of a lost 14-year-old who didn’t know how to understand or cope with loss.
Journaling has been in my core for over 20 years. I will unpack what that looked like then and how it has impacted me.
After all these years, I created my own journal to guide myself and others through daily journaling. You can grab the Morning Pages Journal that I use daily here.
Journaling through loss
I first picked up a pen and paper with the notion of releasing my feelings and what was bottled up shortly after my dad died.
I was 14, and it was unexpected. I didn’t know how to process what was happening or what I would experience in the years ahead.
Expressing myself in written form was what felt safe. It was where I could say whatever was in my heart without fear, without holding back. It became my crutch and my release.
Through my teen years, I dabbled in all kinds of writing: the uninhibited private journals, short stories about my Gram (who died 3 months before my dad) and my dad, and poems. I found that I had a way with words and loved stringing them together to stir emotion in myself and others.
I continued writing off and on through my twenties and my first pregnancies. All the things I felt and wanted to say but felt trapped like I couldn’t. Now, I can tell you it all stems back to how I began hiding my emotions because I didn’t want to upset others and the fear of loss.
Daily journaling habit
It wasn’t until the last few years that I really began to focus on making daily journaling a part of my routine. But that is the key. I had to decide that it was important enough to take up space in my life.
It’s funny to look back now– the evolution of my journaling habit.
- 1999-2017: very sporadic and inconsistent, but always surrounding emotions I didn’t know how to express verbally
- 2017: I did a short jot down of my thoughts in the evening– this didn’t work well for me because I’m a morning lark.
- 2018: I was just jotting down things I was grateful for
- 2019: I began a prayer journal and added hand-lettered verses to my journal
- 2020: I was still praying with everything I had, I was newly married and had already experienced 2 miscarriages and I just knew God would provide and bless us with a baby
- 2021: Was spent in prayer of something different than my healthcare career and the inconsistencies that go with post-partum, being a mom of 3, being pregnant again, the loss of my mother-in-law and decided to quit working in healthcare
- 2022: I became a mom of 4, navigating the ups and downs of being a SAHM and the financial challenges in a one-income family. This is the year that I focused on daily journaling without fail
- 2023: I developed and launched my journals
Even now, there are days that my brain already has a million other things, and my journal is very sparse, with little detail and thought put into the pages. I am not perfect, and you can see that even as someone who CREATED a journal, it is my daily choice to spend time writing in it.
It adds so much value to my life, and I love the thought of my family having these to look back at years from now.
Why I keep writing
Journaling started as a way to acknowledge and release my feelings without fear, judgment, or consequence.
Today, it is the same. Unfortunately, after many years of suppressing my feelings as a teen and adult, my learned behavior of shutting down is still a very real struggle for me.
There is this fear in me that my words will hurt those around me, and I can’t bear the thought of it. So, I suppress it to the point of a completely blank mind in the moment. Sometimes, it takes me a couple days to chisel the stone away and navigate on paper how I feel.
After I can get it out on paper, I can release it. Sometimes, that means going back to my husband and sharing what I worked through, and sometimes it means just letting it go.
Journaling is therapeutic for me. It helps me navigate my thoughts, feelings, and fears… it helps me acknowledge the joy and excitement in my life. It gives me space to take off the filter and freely share my thoughts.
Writing will be a part of my daily routine for the rest of my life. What started as a teen’s way to release emotions about loss has carried me through many struggles and joys in my life. I am so grateful for the gift of pen and paper and my ability to articulate through my written word.
You can check out some specific pages in my Morning Pages Journal here.
