I am in a unique season of parenting. I have the joy of having two toddlers and two teens. I get to experience the innocence and development of the tiny tots and the struggle of belonging and self-discovery of girls who are becoming young women.
I want my relationship with each of them to remain strong and be rooted in unconditional love and support. I want to lead them to a life lived for Jesus. I want them to know Him and to trust Him in all situations.
While I love each of them so deeply, I do find myself struggling to communicate effectively and navigate the struggles teens deal with, which are more complex today than they were when I was their age.
In this blog, I will explore the importance of effective communication and trust-building in fostering strong parent-teen relationships, offer strategies for navigating difficult conversations and encouraging independence in your teen, and share personal experiences and insights from parenting both toddlers and teens, emphasizing the role of faith and unconditional love
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Importance of effective communication
Effective communication is the foundation of any solid relationship, and parent-teen relationships are no different. Research has consistently shown that open, supportive parent-teen communication is linked to better mental health, higher self-esteem, and lower rates of risky behavior for teens. When teens feel like they can talk to their parents without judgment and with acceptance, they are more likely to seek conversations when they face challenges.
This sounds good in theory, right? Have this beautiful open communication with your teen… but what about when they are just closed off? They come home and go to their room, door shut, and you may see them peek their heads for a quick bite.
I think the biggest key to fostering this type of communication is consistency. As the parent, you should articulate your own thoughts and feelings to lead by example. Show them it’s ok to talk and provide a safe space for them to do the same.
Building a safe space starts with trust. They need to trust that you won’t judge them. When they believe you’ll listen with an open heart and an open mind, they are more likely to share their experiences and seek advice.
Here are a few things I’ve tried to build trust with my teens:
- Regular one-on-one time. This one is hard as a mama of 4. The littles get me all day, and frankly, I am spent by the time the teens roll in from school. However, I try to make time for each of them to do something they enjoy to help foster communication.
- Active listening! Resist the urge to jump in and offer advice or criticism. I may ask some questions, but I have found that if I just let them talk without interjecting, we get much further.
- Vulnerability. That’s right– be vulnerable with your, teen! Share stories from when you were a teenage dirtbag. Show them that it’s ok to be imperfect and to ask for help.
Navigating difficult conversations
You were a teen once. And I feel sure there are things you aren’t proud of or things you wish your parents had done differently when it came to talking about the hard stuff. Having hard conversations with your kids is part of the journey. Sometimes it is about sex… sometimes it is about drugs… sometimes it’s about concerning behaviors. Difficult conversations with your teen can be emotionally charged for both you and your kid.
Here are some things I try to keep in mind when I know we have to have a hard talk with one of our teens:
- Right time and place. This can be hard to navigate when you have multiple kids and packed schedules. But you want your teen to be open and attentive, not stressed and angry or in front of their siblings. Find a time when you both are calm and you won’t be interrupted.
- Try not to jump to conclusions, blame, or attack. They will immediately be defensive and they will feel like their feelings are being dismissed.
- Be clear– overly clear– about your expectations.
- Ask for their ideas and opinions on how to improve the situation and listen to their answers.
Fostering independence and decision-making
I feel like I am constantly walking the tightrope between protecting my kids and preparing them for adulthood. Many times, I have already experienced the situations they are facing, and I know how best to handle them, but there comes a time when you have to gradually step back… allowing them to make decisions and sometimes dealing with the unwanted consequences.
Encouraging decision-making independence sometimes looks like getting their input for family plans or activities. Sometimes, that looks like just stepping back and letting them learn the hard way. Sometimes, that is walking them through how to make decisions, helping them navigate, looking at the pros and cons and consequences, and tying it to their values.
We are teaching them so they can become independent. That is a hard one to balance. I was recently considering a decision my almost 16-year-old was making, and I found myself taking a hard stance that was softened by looking at the fact that she is almost 16 and almost a junior and the kinds of things I did at her age. We want them to make big mistakes while they are still under our roof. While we can still help them navigate through it.
There will be turbulent waters. There will be times… many times… when you are walking into the unknown. I encourage you to seek wisdom from parents who have kids older than yours. I have often called on the mama friends I have who now have college-aged kids to help me navigate hard conversations. I have leaned on them for advice on many situations.
You are not alone in this parenting journey. Encourage other adults in your life who share your values to build relationships with your teens. Having another voice outside of the home can be a safe space, a sounding board, and an encouragement to your teens.
Prayer is such a powerful tool, and that includes how you pray for your children. If you want to develop a consistent habit of prayer over your teen, check out my latest journal, Prayerfully Yours: A Guided Journal for Parents to Pray Over Their Children.
